Severus Snipes: The Advice Column
by XXsKelEtOrXX
Summary: The snarkiest Potions Master in existence is here to take your questions.
1. Chapter 1

Severus Snape's Advice Column

**AN: Hello! Nice to see you all again after my incredibly long hiatus. This little idea popped into my head the other night and wouldn't die. The basic plot premise is that you, the readers, will write in to the 'Severus Snipes' column for Witch Weekly, and Dear Old Snapey will reply with his trademark snark. Feel free to ask anything! Whether it is about your life or his (especially his romantic one, you shippers!), the wonderful contract I wrote up will force him to answer it one-hundred percent honestly. Be aware, however, that the author is not responsible for permanent emotional injury caused by Snape's creative answers. **

Dear Dunderheads,

Due to the premature death of the previous columnist for this trashy rag, I have been forced by Headmaster Dumbledore to step in for him until a "quality replacement" can be found. That means that I must spend my time listening to you sniveling cowards whine about how life isn't fair. Unfortunately, part 423-b of my contract specifies that I am not allowed to 'murder, torture, and/or maim in any fashion' any of you. How unfortunate. Anyone who subscribes to this junk deserves to be fed to an Acromantula.

I am also under a magical oath to truthfully answer any question given to me as long as it isn't completely asinine or pointless. Example: 'Who is Harry Potter?' If you have not heard of Harry Potter, then I suggest you refer to St. Mungo's, not Witch Weekly, for answers to your problems. And, rest assured, if anyone mentions my personal life, I will search unceasingly for a legal loophole that would allow me to flay them alive and use them for potion ingredients.

Send your inane questions to the Editor via Private Message or Review, and I will give my uncensored opinion in the next issue.

Sincerely,

Prof. Severus Snape, Potions Master


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Thanks to all of you that send in material! Your great questions made me laugh and Snape cringe. None of the snarky old man's rants should be taken seriously; everything is all in good fun. For the record, I am a huge fan of SS/HG, and one of the generals in Snape's adolescent army. Please R&R with more ridiculous questions ;)

Disclaimer: I do not own Sevvie-bear or any of his pals.

XxX

Dear Snape,

I am from a pureblood family, who like to make everyone else know like every second of the day, but I am very found of this well to be frank half-blood boy I met in my 5th year. I was wondering is there a spell to trick my parents from knowing this?

PS. I'm soon to be married.

With Love,

Letta Black

Dear Looney Letta,

You're one of _those _Blacks, aren't you? If you plan on marrying this half-blood, then you must be as crazy as your ancestor Bellatrix. Or are you going to be forced into one of those ridiculous proper Pureblood marriages? I couldn't tell from your letter's wording.

I'm sure you've heard the stories about that fool Andromeda. Running off with a Muggle is the most idiotic thing a Pureblood can do. Her entire family was killed and she was disowned. I hope you aren't masochistic enough to want _that_ for your future.

If you had even an ounce of cleverness, you would have asked if I knew of a potion. Spells can be traced through the wand used, and any decent Healer can discover and undo spell damage of that magnitude. However, it is much more difficult to undo the effects of a potion, and virtually impossible to trace it back to the creator. Of course, with the absurd amount of inbreeding in your family, I should be surprised you made it past your first year.

Because you lacked the brain cells to specify what exactly you needed, I cannot tell if a Long-Lasting Forgetfulness Draught or an Ignorance Tonic would suffice.

Both can be found in Potions for Puerile People, by Ima Dolte. Do you need directions on how to get to a bookstore, too?

Sincerely,

Prof. Severus Snape, Potions Master

xXx

Dear Kathy- oh, wait, sorry . . . Dear Sev-Mr. Snape,

I've got a lot of . . . um . . . problems, and, well, the local newspaper's columnist didn't take my letter because of . . . uh, well, that doesn't matter . . . the thing is I need someone to vent to . . . and I don't know you, and they always say it's better to talk to objective strangers, whoever "they" are . . . does that mean, like, the government or whatever?

It all pretty much started at debate camp . . . but I'm still at debate camp, so does that mean I still have problems? Gosh, I should know this . . . but it all started there and stuff. We're debating about poverty and stuff, and we were all talking in our group, and I said, like, "Poverty's really bad, so the government should get rid of it." And they were all like, "But that's impossible." And we started arguing, and I lost all my friends and my roommmate moved out, so now I'm all alone!

I pace in circles and muse about philosophy and the meaning of life and death and loneliness and suicide and cats. I talk to inanimate objects and sleep under my desk because I'm afraid the aliens will get me. Is that normal?

Sincerely,

Problematic at Harvard

Dear Hopeless at Harvard,

Who in their right mind would let you within a fifty-mile radius of Harvard? Did you Cruciate the Dean of Admissions or simply put him under the Imperius? If someone like you ever came to Hogwarts, I would have them packing their trunk within minutes.

You seem to be extremely upset about your 'friends' deserting you, if morons have the capability to feel a wide range of emotions. In the long run, it would probably be better for you to be alone in life, and that should make you feel better. However, if you find it extremely imperative to be accepted by those that have the great disappointment of sharing your species, then you should talk to Alice and Frank Longbottom. They are both nice and crazy, just like you. Two common weaknesses are a great way to start a friendship!

I feel compelled to also address the issue of your intellect. How do you expect the government to deal with the issue of poverty? That would mean that politicians would have to care about someone besides himself or herself. Your ex-friends might actually belong at Harvard, because they have a few brain cells.

Also, the topics that you are focusing on while pacing in circles are quite unhealthy. Cats are mangy beasts that carry disease. You are much better off thinking about suicide and depression. The 'talking to inanimate objects' issue is not really an issue, as long as they do not talk back. And, in case you were not aware, a wood desk will not protect you from aliens. I would suggest investing in a tinfoil hat. Or just giving the issue up. I mean, really, how much worse off could you be, even if the aliens did get you?

Sincerely,

Prof. Severus Snape, Potions Master

xXx

Dear Snape,

SO, I just have a couple of questions for you? Ready you Rejected DADA teacher?

1.)SO what do you think it was about James POtter that made him so much better than you and that's why Lily Evans married him instead of your pathetic butt?

2.)What EXACTLY is the naature of your "late night talks" with both Dumbledork and MoldyVOldy? Come on, you dirty dog, give me all the details!

3.)How was it growing up in a home where you knew absolutly NO ONE loved you and cared about you? Just let out all those pent-up feelings of depression.

4.)What's your favorite color?

5.) Last but not least, What kind of animal was it that crawled up your butt, had babiies, and died? Or is there another reason you're such a grouchy and pathetic a**-wipe complainer all the time? And don't give me that *backstory* crap, because I aint buying it! I want the truth! What made you waste your life being second best to everyone around you?

Much Love From A CUrious Fellow Cynic,

Secrets

Dear Sadomasochistic Secrets,

If I had not taken an Unbreakable Vow to never harm anyone who writes in, your family would be dead and you would be tortured unceasingly and unmercifully until your screams ceased to amuse me. You are a despicable Muggle with a death wish. I have never been so insulted in my life!

First off, I resent being referred to as a 'rejected DADA teacher'. In your little hero Harry Potter's timeline—since no one ever follows mine—he was a sixth year when I taught him how to defend himself. Therefore, I am not a 'rejected DADA teacher', seeing as I held the position for a year. The only 'rejected DADA teacher' that I am aware of is the Dark Lord, and no half-wit such as yourself would dare refer to him as such.

In response to your first question, James Potter was no better than I. He was an arrogant, self-serving, and block-headed Gryffindor. His foolishness ended up killing him, as well as Lily. Had she avoided him, she would still be living. I gave every effort to protect her, but her fool of a husband trusted a man with an animagus form of a rat. A rat is a creature that runs away at the first sign of danger. If James was as brilliant as you give him credit for, surely he would have realized the possible dangers.

Thirdly, I will pretend you are not insinuating that I am engaging in sexual relations with Headmaster Dumbledore and the Dark Lord. The only 'dirty dog' that I am aware of is Sirius Black, the mongrel.

Fourthly, I have no pent-up feelings of depression. Had I any I was not aware of, I have taken them out on Harry Potter, the bane of my existence. Moreover, seeing as I have no happy memories that I could compare to my childhood, I have no reason to be distressed.

My 'favorite color', as you so linguistically phrase it, is the exact shade of green in Lily Evans's eyes. And I will add, seeing as how your mind is as filthy as a gas-station lavatory, that in no way does that mean that I am engaging or would like to engage in sexual practices with Potter.

Lastly, I resent your accusations that I have wasted my life away. Were it not for me, casualties in the war would have been tripled. To put it frankly, I saved your ass, Muggle. If you had suffered through half the experiences that I have, you would be wont to commit suicide. I have struggled through more than any wizard has currently and all I receive are accusations and complaints.

If you should find yourself being captured by a hook-nosed man in black robes, k now that I have found a loophole in my contract, and your death is looming over you.

Sincerely,

Prof. Severus Snape, Potions Master.

xXx

Dear Snivellus,

I think I screwed up, big time. Well, I've known this boy since I was very young, about ten. We were very close to each other, and even when we were seperated into different Houses- me at Ravenclaw and him at Gryffindor- the teachers still commented that we were together all the time. He was my best friend, and more, though he only thought of me as a friend.

Here's the real issue- yesterday, this girl that likes him and I got into this huge fight. I said some pretty nasty things to her, and even though he was sitting there, he didn't seem to care. But then, I accidentally- and please know that it WAS an accident- called him a very rude name. He hasn't spoken to me since, and though I try to apologize, he won't listen to me.

Snivellus, what should I do? I've been through too much with him to let it all go over this one argument.

Please help me,

Forgiveness

Dear Foolish Forgiveness,

Your little sob story sounds quite similar to my own. That being said, it is actually quite pathetic to ask me for advice on something I myself screwed up majorly. Who Confunded the Sorting Hat when your midget-sized head was under it? You would make a much better Gryffindor—all brawn and no brains.

If you actually care about this friendship of yours—and that would be surprising for a Ravenclaw, you all sleep with your textbooks on the pillow next to you—then I would suggest doing something completely idiotic to prove that you care about them.

A Slytherin such as myself would have too much pride to make an utter idiot of myself for another person. But you Ravenclaws are noticeably lacking in social skills, so I assume it will not devastate your reputation, seeing as you have none.

Does he play Quidditch? Dress up in a lion costume for a game—bonus points if he's playing against your house. Does he like Charms? Find a humorous, yet obscure charm and cast it upon yourself to make him laugh. Think of the most ridiculous thing you could possibly do, and do it. Then he will know you are serious about having him as a friend.

The worst thing you could do is whine to him about how sorry you are and act mopey. I learned that the hard way. And I expect it will take your pseudoRavenclaw self several tries to figure that out.

Sincerely,

Prof. Severus Snape, Potions Master

xXx

Hi,

Did you know prof. Lockhart before he started teaching? What do you think about him?

And what is it about your hair? Why is it so greasy?

Sincerely,

Miss M

Dear Moronic M,

Firstly, I must address your puerile grammar. The word 'Professor' should be capitalized to show the proper respect to said person. I do not mean to suggest that Gilderoy Lockhart deserves any such recognition. Lockhart, or as I prefer to call him, The Missing Link, is as intelligent as a rock.

Secondly, my hair is not greasy; it is shiny. I understand that Muggles spend large amounts of money in attempts to attain the luster that I naturally possess. Jealousy is a poor motivation.

Sincerely,

Prof. Severus Snape, Potions Master

xXx

Hey Snape-a-doodle,

Who is Harry Potter?

Just joking! My real question is...Why didn't you have a potion curing the affects of snake venom when you were spying on a Dark Lord who had a pet snake? Surely YOU could make one of those types of potions...? Or is it impossible...? I don't know - I'm just a Muggle who has a habit of calling Voldemort 'Baldemort'...he doesn't really like being called that though...Oh well! It's hilarious!

P.S. Why the heck don't you treat Gryffindors equal? Or Harry for that matter? Harry is much more Lily than James in personality! As they say; 'don't judge a book by it's cover'!

Sincerely,

Lauren

Dear Ludicrous Lauren,

I do not appreciate your lacking attempts at humor.

Clearly, I had such a potion available, or I would not be sitting here answering your asinine questions. However, for canon reference, do you honestly think any brew could overcome the effects of a Horcrux? As most Muggles do, you overestimate the powers of magic. Then again, anyone who would dare to mock the Dark Lord is missing some vital mental components.

To answer your post-script, Gryffindors are clearly inferior to Slytherins such as myself. They foolishly rush into impossible situations and make bad problems worse. Harry Potter is a prime example of this idiocy, and just like his father in that respect.

Sincerely,

Prof. Severus Snape, Potions Master.

xXx

Dear Snapy,

Only one question. Did you love Lily Evans?

Without love,

Curious

Dear Morbidly Curious,

What? Are you incapable of reading? Book Seven ought to have given you a clear idea of my motivations.

PS: If you must massacre my name, at least spell it correctly. 'Snapey' would be the correct format.

Sincerely,

Prof. Severus Snape, Potions Master

xXx

Dear Professor Snape,

Now, even us Yanks have heard of you and I have a few questions. Have you ever been to therapy? Seriously, hanging onto one love and hating everything to do with her husband (including their son) is rather unhealthy, in my opinion. Second, couldn't you have found a nice girl who isn't willing to settle for second best like Miss Evans did? As for your professon as spy for the Order, might I suggest that you go for a swing to mellow out? It is rather fun and you never know who you might meet that enjoys the same. Please note that this is intended for me to win a bet with my equally Harry-Potter obbsessed friends (and I'm trying to make your case for you)

With all due respect,

R2-D2106

PS- I can't wait for the next issue.

Dear Ridiculous R2-D2106,

No, I have not attended this Muggle 'therapy'. I believe that any psychologists available would find themselves utterly traumatized by any aspect of my life story. Of course, a bleeding-heart saint such as yourself would never consider such a perspective.

Secondly, Lily was the only woman I have ever felt the slightest inkling of passion toward. I would not be able to settle for second-best.

Thirdly, I hardly need to mellow out. Keep your foolish suggestions to yourself. Antagonizing hapless pupils is all of the fun I require.

Sincerely,

Prof. Severus Snape, Potions Master

xXx

Oh my. This should be interesting. Tell me, Professor Snape, why are you so snarly? And another thing, I'm sure you'll love this one, Why was James Potter such an idiot that he thought he could take Lily away from you? Granted, it worked, but I still think you should have won (if you'll excuse my first question). And is Hermione really as insufferably brilliant as she is in the books?

Dear Confunded Crimson TigerLily,

I have answered your impudent first question repeatedly in this issue, and I am still amazed that anyone could be foolish enough to ask such a question. I am not, I repeat, not, getting any nicer in my old age. If one more Muggle asks me that question, I will whip them with one of Filch's horsewhips.

I am unable to answer your second question, because even magical science cannot discern the thoughts of amoeba-like creatures. Potter did not have two brain cells to rub together. I believe that is the prerequisite for male Gryffindors, though.

As to your third question: yes, yes, a thousand times yes. I am infuriated with the countless romantics who insist I secretly love Miss Granger. There is absolutely no canon basis for that ridiculousness. In fact, there is much canon evidence against it. I detest that know-it-all almost as much as I detest the elder Potter.

Sincerely,

Prof. Severus Snape, Potions Master

xXx

Dear Severus,  
>I just found out that I'm related to Harry Potter. That's cool and all, but he's so famous it's annoying. Sometimes I just want to kick him in the scar or hand him over to Voldemort. What should I do?<p>

Sincerely,

gottaloveJamesPotter

Dear Uncalled-for Username,

You do not have to love James Potter. In fact, I would strongly advise you against it. I would also strongly suggest you change your username before my legions of fangirls descend upon you. Not that I asked for an army of love-sick teenagers.

With regards to Harry Potter, I would recommend that you take him to the Room of Requirement and Cruciate him repeatedly. That way, he is still able to defeat the Dark Lord.

You have my deepest condolences family-wise. If I was related to that brat, I would kill myself.

Sincerely,

Prof. Severus Snape, Potions Master


End file.
